Sunday, February 1, 2009

Going back, back to ......?

Since it is the beginning, let us take it back.....

I do not know the exact day or how I discovered the lump that would have such an impact on my life, I am not sure how most women react either. I do know the first thing that runs through your head; “is this cancer, no, get that silly thought out of your mind.” How do you do that? I decided to wait a week and a half before phoning my doctor to have a check-up. During this time, your mind can really play some tricks on you. It's not cancer, it is in relation to my cycle, it will go away; could there be a connection to the miscarriage? Yes.... this happened to us four months prior. Already being a faithful person, you being to start praying a whole lot more. You pray, you hope, you beg, and you deny and wish it would just go away.

September 10th, 2008 my doctor examined me and took action ASAP. I was booked for a mammogram, 2 hours later. Words cannot express the discomfort and pain this damn machine can cause and of course they did not get an accurate enough picture so, yeah let us do it again! For those women who have never had a mammogram, damn... squeezing your boob between to sheets of plastic and flattening it like a pancake, not fun – just think of it! The next day I had an ultrasound. A couple of weeks went by and I got the call to come into the doctor’s office. I prepared myself for what I thought would be the next step, a biopsy and that was my exact next step. The previous tests showed something but could not define it or make a diagnosis.

I had the biopsy two weeks later, it as ok, just a very long needle being jabbed through your boob 5-6X's. Ya, I took the rest of the day off and relaxed. During this time believe me your mind runs like a hamster in its wheel. For those who know me, my mind never runs, and now I can't shut down.

Any one remember Charlie Brown's teacher? Well you can image what I heard the day I was diagnosed..... Awahwahwah wah wah wahwah! Translation, you have high grade invasive ductal carcinoma. The ball starting rolling fast and there was no time for this to sink in before I was handed my appointment card with the surgeon for Monday, this was Thursday. After hearing my diagnosis to say the least I was pissed! This was not happening to me and was not going to happen to me! I cried some more, got pissed some more, and then asked how does this happen to someone at the age of 31? Like mother like daughter (my mom was 50) - shit! There are many other things I would rather inherit from my mom (sorry!). I was more than grateful that my she was with me at my appointment, there would be no other person that I would have wanted by my side.

So, here it begins this crazy journey... and no I don't want to talk! I want to be left alone, let me absorb, let me cry and come up with a solution. Don't worry, it only last two days and cancer got it's first 15 min's of fame. During this time I kept this to myself, family, and few close friends. I did inform my boss due to making arrangements for doctor's appointments and trying to keep this as discrete as possible. This is the way I operate, keep it to myself until there is a solution. Unfortunately, this strategy was not working and I was not appearing to be my “normal” self. I remember being different at our work conference, when others discovered my lack of patience, decrease in chattiness, and subtle hints to be happy with your life. I forgot to mention that I was diagnosed the day before our work conference. This was going to be great!

My appointment with the surgeon was ten minutes; she read my chart, examined me and then asked me what I think we should do? What? "Well I think you want me to have a mastectomy on my right side" “yes”. "OK, now let me ask you something, with my history, my moms, should I have the other side done?” “Wise decision”. OK, let go! The booking of the surgery hit home, dates are very important to our family and always have a strong significance in our lives. I explained to them that I had a surprise trip to Washing DC planned for our one-year wedding anniversary and I did not want to cancel. They explained they could book me the week following upon my return, Tuesday November 18. Well, if it was not a sign I do not know what it was, I knew my Mimi and Papa were with me. November 18th is my grandparents wedding anniversary and ours is the day before hence why the day we were married. I always worry about surgeries but I realized they would be watching over the doctors and me during the surgery on that day.

To end on a happy note, here are a few highlighted pictures from our Washington DC trip that I surprised Attila with at 5:30 a.m. that morning – I wish I had had a video camera so that you could have seen his face and reaction. Enjoy!






Love ~sasha


  1. Deja Vu - You are such a strong person. You will find strength in opening yourself up to your friends and family. People that you don't expect to be your biggest cheerleaders become your cheerleaders. AND, I think that most people don't know what to write here...and think/know that you want to be left alone - so they don't write...don't take it personally.

    Keep Writing!

  2. All I remember from the conference is you eating a lot of soy nuts...and sleeping in the same bed with you, wondering how the heck you zonked out in 30 seconds.

    That was a great bed, huh?

    You are going to have wonderful life stories to tell to your grandkids!

  3. Thanks for the encouragment Jeff! I know this is Deja Vu for you, but I am glad to have you in my corner!

    And Jaz, yes that was an amazing bed! One day I hope to zonk out in 30 seconds again! LOL!