Friday, March 20, 2009

From Bad to Worse!

Let's start with Monday.... wasn't too bad, spent most of it on the couch watching TV and sleeping as the bone pain was still around 6/10, and my steroids ended yesterday. Monday night the Petro's came over for a visit and brought some yummy Cinnabons which hit the spot, thanks! Upon them leaving, I managed to make it up the stairs and to the couch where I apparently put my head down, and fell asleep for the night.

Tuesday and Wednesday just got worse and worse! To Dana who commented that it would be crippling bone pain, you were absolutely right but there has to be a better word than crippling to even give it justice as to how bad the pain was and stating a 10/10 doesn't cut it either. I looked like a 90 year old with arthritis through the whole body who wouldn't even been able to use a walker because I was so weak that I couldn't support myself or hold on because everything from my fingernails down to my toes and heels hurt. Having to watch my mom dress me and my husband practicly carry me to the washroom, puts a strain on your strength and optimism and eventually you break down! The pain just kept on increasing and nothing was helping except for not moving and the crying wasn't fixing anything either but it was a good release! Finally, we called the cancer clinic on Wednesday and asked for Tramacet which was suggested by Valentina and Dana which I thank you both for but unfortunately because I am allergic to codeine there is a contraindication that I am not allowed to take it! GREAT!!!! Anyways they did manage to give me more two more steroids and Tylenol which I finished yesterday! Though I can still feel some discomfort, it is way more tolerable and I walking around the house now!

This one has been a doozy, and I think this has been really the only time that the thoughts of just giving in had crossed my mind! And that maybe I am not strong enough to pull this off with fight? But then I think back and realize that there are only two more to go and yes it is going to suck big time but there are many others who have gone through this and worse. I am a fighter and I will conquer this!

Yesterday was a better day and I did a lot of thinking! First, I want to thank each and everyone of you who read this blog, whether we know each other or not, I thank you! I am so thankful and grateful for my husband and mom this week who have carried me, dressed me, and fed me! To the rest of my family and friends, I love you!

So, to everyone I have a favour to ask! Over these next couple of days, at one point I want you to stop what you are doing and be grateful for something. Whether it is looking into the sky on a sunny day, breathing in some fresh air, looking into your child's eye's, or waking up next to someone, stop close your eye's and say thank you! Next, do something good for yourself or another. Make healthier eating choices today, get out and go for a walk, put a smile on a strangers face, do something that will make you and others feel better.

I thanked God today that I was able to put on my own socks!


  1. Dearest Sasha.My heart goes out to you.Being a Mom I know exactly what your Mom is going through when her "baby" is hurting. We Moms wish that we could kiss your "booboo" better just like we did when you were little . Unfortunately sometimes the pain is sometimes beyond a Moms' kiss and we feel so helpless. However, we Moms can still hold you, cry with you, smile with you and would take your pain both physically and mentally if we could.You are the most amazing woman that I know who always brings sunshine to everyone's life you touch, no matter what you are going through. You have given me so much emotional strength and I am thankful for this and everyday that I face.
    God Bless

  2. Hi Sahsa, if words could take your pain away you would have none, if the love and friendship around you could help with the pain you would never be in pain another day. i want you to know from the bottom of my heart that you may feel like you want to give up but with the support of your loved ones around will always pull you up, to look in Atti eyes or even your mom will be the guide to continue your fight. you are one amazing person who knew from the start that this will be a long journey that will have its ups and downs. please remember that you have the guardian angel that will always be there for you to use, now its up to you to ask for the guidance and strength you have never had before in your life.
    please know you are always in my thought and prayers and if you need me even to vent with please call me i will always ne there for you.
    keep that smile going within as you will have that sunshine all around you. to have the support that you have is the strength that you will never forget.

    love you,

  3. Oh my gosh Sasha! I just checked in for the first time in a couple of days and your post about the bone pain totally brought me back to a year ago when I had a visit with the Taxol family (worst family ever!). I agree - "crippling" is putting it lightly! I cried for 3 days, my mom had to dress me, I was too weak to hold my baby, my poor husband was at a loss for words and I never thought I would see the light at the end of the tunnel - yuck! But you are right, you only have two more to go and then you can kiss it all good-bye. Hooray!

    I share your philosophy on enjoying every day and wanted to share something with you. Throughout my own treatment, I would send periodic updates via email to all of my friends and family. I sent my last one in January of this year (when I got my clear MRI results) and included an inspirational message I had stumbled upon by an unknown writer. I think you will like it - It's called "Get a Life" - enjoy!

    Take care, Dana

    Get a life.
    A real life, not a manic pursuit of the next promotion, the bigger paycheck, the larger house. Do you think you'd care so very much about those things if you blew an aneurysm one afternoon, or found a lump in your breast?

    Get a life in which you notice the smell of salt water pushing itself on a breeze, a life in which you stop and watch how a red-tailed hawk circles over the water or the way a baby scowls with concentration when she tries to pick up a Cheerio with her thumb and first finger.

    Get a life in which you are not alone. Find people you love, and who love you. And remember that love is not leisure, it is work. Pick up the phone. Send an e-mail. Write a letter. Get a life in which you are generous.

    And realize that life is the best thing ever, and that you have no business taking it for granted. Care so deeply about its goodness that you want to spread it around.

    All of you want to do well. But if you do not do good, too, then doing well will never be enough. It is so easy to waste our lives, our days, our hours, our minutes. It is so easy to take for granted the color of our kids' eyes, the way the melody in a symphony rises and falls and disappears and rises again. It is so easy to exist instead of to live.

    I have learned to love the journey, not the destination. I have learned that it is not a dress rehearsal, and that today is the only guarantee you get.

    I have learned to look at all the good in the world and try to give some of it back because I believed in it, completely and utterly.

    Consider the lilies of the field.
    Look at the fuzz on a baby's ear.
    Read in the backyard with the sunshine on your face.
    Learn to be happy.
    And think of life as a terminal illness, because if you do, you will live it with joy and passion as it ought to be lived!